


Open when...

by Justacrazyfangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Cas is dead, Fluff, Funeral, Human Castiel, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-11-29
Packaged: 2018-02-24 09:42:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2576954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justacrazyfangirl/pseuds/Justacrazyfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deans boyfriend Cas suffers from lung cancer. After he dies Dean finds a number of letters addressed to him. He's told when to open them. I suck at summaries,  I'm very sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Open when you get home from the funeral

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have that much experience in writing fanfiction, also English is not my native language. Therefore I apologise for any grammar and/or spelling mistakes I might make.  
> I would really appreciate some feedback!♥

The day Cas died wasn't rainy or stormy like Dean had always imagined. It actually was a very nice and sunny day. Dean felt like this day represented pre-cancer Cas perfectly. He always was a happy, quirky person.  
He was the kind of person who could make you smile, no matter how shitty your day had been.  
He was the kind of person who is immediately liked when entering the room.  
He was the kind of person you would have referred to as your "favourite kind of person".  
But because life isn't fair and because life doesn't give a shit about what a great person you areit was Cas who got lung cancer. It was Cas who suffered over 2 years. It was Cas who fought and it was Cas who lost the battle. It was Cas who tried so hard. It was Cas who got depressed. It was Cas who wanted to die just to escape his suffering. And it was Cas who did.  
It was Cas when it should have been someone else but because life is unfair it wasn't.  
Dean was with him when he died. He hadn't showered in 12 days because he was too afraid of what could happen when he left his boyfriend even for just 15 minutes. It was a peaceful death. Quiet.  
Dean knew that this was going to happen, he had time to prepare and still he wasn't.  
What was he going to do without Cas, the man he had loved for 4 years and the man he still loved even though he was gone and he was not coming back.  
It seemed as if Castiel Novak, the man with the bluest eyes he'd ever seen, had been the only purpose of him being alive. 

But now he was standing at his grave, tears in his eyes. He could see the blurred shape of Gabriel, Cas brother. The short man was gripping the arm of his sister Anna. Both were crying. This image made Dean cry even more.  
He felt Sam behind him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and hugged him.  
They had always been so close but Dean had never felt closer to him than he did in this moment.  
"I'm so sorry", Sam whispered "so sorry." 

Dean was unable to respond. They just stood there holding each other.  
He met Cas due to his brother. He was a colleague of Sams wife Jess and they had invited him and Dean over to dinner. He fell in love with his eyes immediately. 

As he and Sam separated from the hug neither of them said a word. He could feel that Jess was holding his hand but he didn't really realise it.  
After the funeral had ended and all sorts of people had offered Gabriel, Anna and Dean their condolences and told them how unfair it all was and what a great person Cas was along other things they already knew, Dean went home. He couldn't possibly spend more time with all those people. They all loved Cas, they were friends, family, neighbours, coworkers and so on but they hadn't loved him like he did. They couldn't understand how he was feeling. And at the moment he was feeling like he needed to be alone.  
When he reached the flat he and Cas had shared he poured himself a drink and turned on some old records Cas had loved. As Elvis was singing 'Can't help falling in love with you' he was looking at photographs, crying and eventually the drink became two, then three, then four.  
He had lost count when he found the box. It was stored in Cas area of the closet, under the trenchcoat Cas had worn on their first date. And on their second. And when they went to the park to look at people crossing by. And when they were at the cinema watching that one movie Dean couldn't remember because he was busy staring at Cas, noticing how beautiful he was. Cas had claimed the movie was one of the best he had ever seen and Dean had agreee even though the only thing he could remember was that Leonard Dicaprio had been in it. Cas had worn this Trenchcoat a lot. And now Dean was wearing it. The sleeves were too short but he couldn't care less. He poured himself another drink as he opened the box.  
It was full of letters all addressed to him.  
Open when you get home from the funeral (open 1st)  
Open when you're feeling lonely  
Open when you visit Jess and Sam the next time  
Open when you finally quit your job  
That were just some of the letters, all wrapped in colourful envelopes.  
He grabbed the letter that was titled 'Open when you get home from the funeral'.  
His hands were shaking as he opened it.

 

My beloved Dean,  
As you are reading this you just came back from burying me. Which means I'm (hopefully) dead.  
I'm sorry I had to leave you alone in this big cruel, yet beautiful world.  
Now here's what I want I want you to do before you keep reading:  
I want you to pour away the Whiskey and I want you to take out that record you are probably listening to because even AC/DC can't bring me back and the same goes for Elvis.  
Babe, I want to apologise for all the trouble I have caused you and I know that you're thinking right now that it isn't my fault that I got cancer and that the world is unfair but I can't stand it when you're sad and I just know that you are crying right now.  
My mum used to tell me that we're going to the angels after we die, watching over our loved ones. If this is true then I am watching over you right now.  
I know that it's cliché when I'm telling you to let go and go out and make another man the happiest man in the world just like you made me happy and I know that I can't expect this from you. I know that you won't be able to do this.  
So instead I'm asking you to take all the time you need. But I want you to be happy and I know that this is tough but you can do it! Go out with Sam, annoy Jess and take care of my siblings will you?  
I've written a bunch of other letters all for specific cases. You don't have to read them but if you're feeling like it then go on! I spent hours writing these!  
Dean, I'll always be with you don't forget that.  
I love you!  
Always,  
-Cas

 

Tears were streaming down his face but he couldn't help but laugh.  
He was feeling a lot better.


	2. Open when you wake up alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second letter Dean reads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated!♥

Dean didn't know when he had fallen asleep. He woke up with a pretty bad headache and for a moment he couldn't remember the day before. It all came back to him quickly and painful. Castiels funeral, the letters, too many drinks. He closed his eyes and tried to escape this horrible reality but all it did was giving him a worse headache. Dean groaned and sat up in his bed, holding his head. He went into the messy kitchen and saw the half empty bottle of Whisky on the table. This made his head feel as if it was going to explode. He took a glass, filled it with water and took an Aspirin. Then he made himself some coffe using the cup Cas had always used, drinking the coffee with milk like Cas had always drunken it. As he sat there alone in his dark and quiet flat his thoughts wanderd to his boyfriend who no longer was. He wanted to cry but he couldn't. It seemed like he had cried all of his tears before. Instead he just sat ther with closed eyes, feeling the medication kick in. He heard his phone buzzing but he didn't answer it. It probably was Sam who wanted to know if everything was alright, as if anything was ever going to be alright again, now that Cas was gone. He then remembered the letters and stood up. He went up to the box and looked for one fitting the situation. After holding several ones in his hands he took the green one that said 'Open when you wake up alone'. He opened it and a photograph fell out. It was of him looking all grumpy and sleepy. Cas on the other hand had pulled on the brightest smile human history had ever seen.   
Dean remembered when this photo was taken.   
Cas had jumped onto their bed shouting 'Goooood Morning sunshine! It's already 9 am and there is snow which is why you have to wake up immediately' He had mumbled something like 'leave me alone' (Dean was no morning person). Cas shook him till he opened his eyes and that's when the flash of the camera came. They had spent the day with baking cookies and taking a long walk to celebrate the first snow day this year.   
Dean smiled, clinging the photo to his chest. He then took the letter out and started reading. 

 

Dear Dean,  
I imagine you are used to wake up alone by the day you are reading this. I spent the last 2 months in the hospital after all. But it will probably still feel a little different, knowing I won't come back and all...  
I don't really know what to write about this topic, instead I'll talk about the photo if that's alright?  
Do you remember the day it was taken? I bet you do! You looked so peaceful as you were laying there sleeping. And I know you've never believed me but Dean you do snore! I always loved waking up next to you, feeling your body pressed against mine, but the best part always was waking you up. You would get so angry, throwing pillows at me. You wouldn't get out of bed unlees I've made you a coffe, black 'like my soul, and don't you dare putting milk in it!'. But this day was different I mean there was snow! I'm never going to see real snow again, perhaps that's why it seems so important now. Isn't it fascinating? It's so cold that the rain freezes while falling down.  
Anyways you burnt the cookies that day but we ate them anyways while watching some old Friends episodes.   
I want to thank you for those memories, Dean. Thank you for making my life as perfect as it can get. Thank you for staying with me even though I must be a pain in the ass right now. Thank you for looking after me, thank you for just being you!  
I don't wanna go all sentimental here but I don't think that I would have made it that long if it wasn't for you. I can't thank you enough.  
Just hold on to the memories, Dean, and you will do just fine. Believe me, memories are the greatest achievements we have in life.  
Love, Cas

P.S will you look after Jess a little? Please. 

 

Dean could feel tears falling from his eyes but he wasn't sad. Those were happy tears. He was happy that he had those memories in which he could picture Cas as this happy human being he had been and not as this miserable man the cancer had turned him into.   
He pinned the photo and the letter to his wall, adding the one he had read the night before. Then he grabbed his phone and his keys and went outside.   
He was on his way to Jess and Sam as it started snowing. It was the first snow of the year and Deans heart suddenly felt like he was being stabbed over and over again. He was a sobbing mess as he finally reached his brothers house.   
Jess opend the door. She didn't say a word, she just pulled him into a hug.   
Dean had no idea how long they were standing there but after a while he stopped crying. He wiped the tears from his eyes and smiled at Jess. She smiled back.  
"It's good to see you. We were worried after you left the funeral", she said.  
Dean just nodded.


	3. Open when you laughed again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long but I've been busy with school and stuff.  
> So here's a slightly happier chapter.  
> Kudos and comments are appreciated! Xx

"Who is it? ", Sam called from inside the house, "Your brother!", Jess replied and Sam appeared.  
"Hey man!", he said as he saw Dean "we were so worried. You're alright?" "I"m okay", Dean mumbled as Jess released him from the hug "had some rough days as you can imagine." "We know, darling", Jess said and led Dean inside their house. "You want a drink?", Sam asked and Dean shook his head.  
For a while they were just sitting there on the couch in silence, when finally Dean began to talk.  
"He has written me these letters." "You mean Cas?", Jess asked. Dean nodded. "What letters?", Sam asked. "You know letters. For every situation you could possibly think of. I've read 2 so far and they like really helped me. It's like he's gone but still there, somehow. Like he still looks out for me."  
Sam glanced at Jess and Dean could see the worry in his eyes. "Darling, are you sure that's a good idea?", his brother's wife asked. "What do you mean?", Dean answerd. "You gotta let go of him, Dean. He's not coming back, and you know that. Are you sure that this isn't making the whole thing even harder than it already is?", Sam said. Dean looked at him.  
"Do you seriously think, that there is a thing worse than that?", he asked after a few seconds of silence "you can't imagine how I feel and honestly, Sam, I hooe you never will. This makes the whole thing at least kind of bare able. I've got something to hold on to, you understand that Sammy?"  
Sam nodded, "Yeah I guess you're right. Just...just don't get to deep into that, okay? You know what happened to Dad after Mum died."  
"I am not Dad", Dean said through gritted teeth.  
"I know, Dean. I'm just saying."  
They sat there for a few minutes, no one saying a word. Jess was holding Sams hand and this made Dean feel incredibly jealous. Not that he wasn't happy for his brother, it was just the feeling of loss that slowly came up once again.  
"I think I'll take that drink now", he said and Sam stood up. "What d'you want?" "A beer?"  
Sam nodded and went into the kitchen to grab two bottles out of the fridge. "Here you go", he said handing Dean one, "Thanks Sammy", he said and then looked at Jess, "you're not drinking?". Thst was odd, the blonde looked very tender but she could drink Dean under the table any day, and drinking him under the table was indeed impressive.  
Jess looked at Sam and he nodded. "We didn't want to tell you yet, with Cas and all but..." she paused and smiled "I'm pregnant!"  
Dean sat there, trying to processes the news. "You're...you're pregnant?!", he finally asked.  
Jess nodded eagerly, taking Sams hand.  
"That's great news!", Dean finally said, "really guys I'm so happy for you! Congratulations!", he stood up to hug his brother and his sister in law.  
"That's one lucky kid, it'll have the coolest uncle in the world!", he grinned.  
"Dude, you'll be its only uncle! Unless Adam decides to show up but I highly doubt that.", Sam answerd and Dean laughed. "Do you know what it's going to be?", he asked.  
Jess shook her head. "We want it to be a suprise", Sam explained.  
"I wish Cas was here", Dean sighed "he would be so freaked out!".  
"Yeah", Jess agreed. Suddenly she began to laugh.  
"What's so funny?", her husband asked her. "It's just...do you remember the time that girl hit on him in that bar and Cas refused to tell her he had a boyfriend?". Dean choked at his drink and Sam burst out into laughter. "Oh my god that was the funniest thing ever!", he exclaimed "what was her name again? April?". "Yeah something like that", Dean said grinning.

They had been to a bar to celebrate Sams and Jesses engagement, when suddenly a pretty redhead started to flirt with Cas. Instead of telling her, that he was already taken, he just went with it. Much to the amusement of the others. 

"Alright, I'm gonna go home", Dean said after another beer and more funny memories about Cas, they shared.  
"You're gonna be good?", Sam asked at the door.  
"Yeah thanks, Sammy", Dean replied. "Hey don't call me that. I'm a grown man, I'm becoming a father and all!", his brother laughed. "Yeah but you're still my little brother, Bitch" "Jerk".  
They stood there smiling for a few seconds. "You're gonna be a great Dad, Sam", Dean said. "Yeah, I hope so. Good night Dean". "Night, Sam". Sam stepped back inside and closed the door.  
Dean headed to his appartement, opening the box with the letters Cas had left him, searching for a letter that could fit the situation to read before going to sleep. A red envelope caught his eye.  
"Open when you laughed", it said. Dean took it and placed himself in his bed, beginning to read the letter. 

 

Hey honey,  
Calm down, I know how much you hate it when I call you that, but I'm doing it anyway just for the fun of it.  
I'm assuming, you had a good day since you picked the letter that said 'Open when you laughed'.  
I wish I could know what you laughed about, but since I'm, well, dead I don't.  
You didn't laugh often, Dean. Which is a pity, because you looked even more handsome when you laughed. I hope you'll remember that and that you will laugh more. I want you to laugh when you think of me, Dean. I want you to remember the good times we had. Even though you are ridiculously pretty when you cry (Seriously no one should be that attractive crying, that's just not human!), you are even more pretty laughing.  
I really hope, you're doing okay, Dean. And if not, than I hope that the day you'll be fine again comes rather sooner than later. But laughing, I suppose, is a good start, don't you think?  
Yours always,  
Cas

 

Dean clenched the letter to his chest. He was smiling.  
That was the day, Dean Winchester started to be thankful for the time he had with Cas, instead of weeping about how unfair life was.


End file.
